Everyone is under the impression that I have everything all together... That I am completely in control, I know what I want, who I am, where I want to go, calm, collected, put together.
The truth is, I still struggle. I often find myself in times of unexplainable sadness, anger, and dread. I find myself surrounded by people, yet feeling completely alone. Numb.
If someone asks me about it, I usually dismiss it with a wave of my hand and say, “I’m just in a weird mood; I’ll be fine.” Then I’ll smile, make a joke, and laugh until I’ve successfully convinced myself and everyone else that I’m fine. Ignorance is bliss, right?
You see, I’m good at encouraging other people. That everything will work out the way it's supposed to; everything happens for a reason. We are who we are because that's how it's supposed to be. We are here to be real, not perfect. That we shouldn’t feel shameful, embarrassed, or guilty about what’s truly going on in our minds. That it’s okay to not be okay. But I’m bad at taking my own advice and applying these things in my own life—practicing what I preach, admitting that I might not be okay.
People have thought I’m being aloof, or not interested in sharing my thoughts with them. This is not true. The fact is that I’ve not shared my thoughts with them because I’m still not sure what my thoughts really are. I still have a lot of conflicting feelings and I don’t like trying to explain things that even I don’t understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment